


Obi-Wan: The Slut Chronicles

by Poplitealqueen



Series: Reasons I'm Probably Going to Hell [3]
Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Bi!Obi-Wan is real af, Crack, F/M, M/M, PWP, mother forgive me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 03:44:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5401718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poplitealqueen/pseuds/Poplitealqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prequel Obi-Wan is transported into the Original Trilogy, has sex with everyone, then gets transported back with no memory.</p><p>You're not gonna get invested enough to care that I just spoiled it, believe me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Obi-Wan: The Slut Chronicles

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could say I was drunk when I wrote this, but I wasn't. One day I might take this concept seriously, but today is not that day.
> 
> -poplitealqueen

The Force is a strange thing.

It can heal the most terrible of wounds, allow one to push their body beyond human comprehension, even offer glimpses into what was and what will be.

It has has a wicked sense of humor, and can at any time find it necessary  to transport one newly Knighted Jedi into the future for shits and giggles. Along with an inhuman libido and a grocery list of people he should probably sleep with if he ever wants to go back.

The Force is a rude git.

Obi-Wan sets out on his mission with the same fervent intensity he does everything else. The boner is new, though.

* * *

Captain Han Solo is remarkably abashed when Obi-Wan comes to him with his offer.

"You wanna what?" The smuggler asks, shock and thinly veiled excitement seeping into his words as his brows bunch together. For all his strutting, swaggering bravado, Solo is quite the delicate creature. Long-trusting and fiercely-missing, and terrified to lose anything so he never holds on to anything much at all.

But that doesn't matter much in this context.

Obi-Wan smiles at him again, hands pulling out from his deep sleeves to reveal an almost ridiculously over-sized, made-in-Adarlon dildo.

"I'd like to fuck, Captain Solo," he says pleasantly. "With this."

* * *

Boba Fett is a tender lover, if a bit on the talkative side.

Obi-Wan makes do. He could be singing Huttese opera for all Obi-Wan cares, just as long as he keeps hitting THAT spot. _Ooh._

His favorite subject of discussion between each thrust is Solo. Obi-Wan begins to wonder if he's really the man the bounty hunter wants under him at the moment.

* * *

Sidious hurts.

He cares little for Obi-Wan's feelings, unless they're a synonym of sad or hurt. The Sith Lord focuses only on his own dark pleasure. He takes Obi-Wan from behind first, locking his arms behind his back with a strong Force grab.

He then proceeds, with no preamble or even a thank you, to slam his cock between Obi-Wan's lips, letting out mewling little groans when Obi-Wan's teeth graze the slick skin.

He also has others take Obi-Wan, sometimes multiple others at a time, while he watches from his opulent masturbation chair *cough* _throne._ He doesn't mind Obi-Wan's hands being free to touch them; in fact, Obi-Wan senses that he rather enjoys the sight of a Jedi being as unjedi-like as possible. Everyone has their kinks.

Sidious doesn't doesn't allow anyone to touch, bringing himself to completion all on his own.

He also never removes his cowl.

Obi-Wan assumes there's some deep self-repulsion behind all that, possibly having to do with the fact that his face looks like a cross between a Hutt and week-old blue milk, but it's hard to delve into thoughts like that when he's being fucked ragged.

* * *

Luke Skywalker is fumbling, sweaty hands and eager, sloppy kisses.

Obi-Wan has more than a slight inkling that he didn't get out much from the moisture farm.

Still. He's cute. And that mechanical hand is beyond comprehension.

* * *

Leia Organa is the one to come to him.

She enters his quarters on Solo's ship clad in the barest of clothing. It hangs off her small frame like mist on the seashore.

She walks over to him and spills into his lap, all certainty and confidence, but with an eagerness just as naive as Luke's.

When Obi-Wan cups one breast and begins to suckle it, she leans back with a groan.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, make me cum," she begs. "You're my only hope."

* * *

Things with Chewbacca are better left undisclosed, but it is worth mentioning that Obi-Wan is still picking tufts of fur out of his teeth.

* * *

Darth Vader is needy.

One wouldn't expect as much from an imposing, armour-clad behemoth, but beneath it all he's just a rather big Ewok.

He doesn't ask for sex, but cuddling inside a meditation bubble.

He especially likes it when Obi-Wan curls up close to him and calls him Master, then tells him he's proud of him.

Sith Lords and their kinks.

He also enjoys when Obi-Wan rubs his naked arse against his codpiece, but that's not nearly as romantic.

* * *

Needs sated and sexual grocery list fulfilled (Obi-Wan is happy to learn that cuddling counts. The Force is all for that asexual representation) Obi-Wan knows inherently that he has completed his task. The Force keeps its end of the bargain, and takes him back to where he belongs.

It takes his memories, though.

Like I've said, the Force is a rude git.


End file.
